Pardoned: Crazed Ninja Mother Bear

I think that there should be a special legal pardon for actions committed by a woman who has had her child awakened during nap time. No, I do not just think this, I propose this be added to the law-rules at the federal level.

Do Not Disturb!

Do Not Disturb!

I sat on jury duty this summer, and was selected as Madam Foreperson, so I am pretty much an expert on the judicial system now. Furthermore, I spent an extremely expensive semester in law school before I determined that I didn’t, at all, find law interesting in the slightest. Ipso facto, I’m an expert in all things law-related so I am just the person to propose this type of law-change. By the way, this post contains 100% accurate legal jargon.

My proposal for cases of…

Murder/manslaughter related to the interruption of a baby-nap: While I understand the desire in a you-just-awoke-my-baby-mid-nap situation, this is taking things too far. So no law-roundabouts (more expert law jargon) on that one. Avoid doing this. Always.

Assault/battery of a bumbling, doorbell-ringing, yell-talking, nap-intruder: Totally 100% pardonable. It won’t even go to trial. End of story.

I’m going to propose this “it is OK to assault and lightly batterize a nap-waker” law-changey-wangey to my town-crier today, who will walk this to the federal court to get it notarized. That is how these things are done. Let’s all assume the federals will appreciate my expertise in this legal area and pass my proposal immediately.  So, people, you are on notice. Do not wake my baby or the headline will read:

Pardoned: Crazed Ninja Mother Bear Was Granted A Law-Roundabout Before Going To Trial For Using Her Flying Fists of Fury Upon The Person Who Rudely Awakened Her Baby Dragon Child

Looks like the news people can stand to be less verbose, but I’m a law-expert, so I’ll leave that to the writers.


10 responses to “Pardoned: Crazed Ninja Mother Bear

  1. I seriously almost attacked a woman who was canvasing last week. She rang the doorbell, then looked completely unapologetic as I harangued her for waking E. Pretty sure she smashed our doorbell before leaving…

  2. Oh, man. I had a still-napping baby during the last election and I almost lost my mind. The door-to-door canvassers were out of control. I put a note on the door that said SLEEPING BABY- DO NOT DISTURB, but I got disturbed anyway. I wound up sitting in the front room, waiting for people to appear on my porch so I could open the door before they rang and say “I completely agree with you and will be voting for your candidate! Thank you for the brochures!” and then sending them on their way. Throttling them would have been more satisfying, though.

    • A napping baby during elections? That is terrible timing on your part.

      I have a note for the door on the occasions that I am expecting a delivery or someone to drop by. Because it is a lot of work mixing up curses and exacting revenge. ;)

  3. I can completely relate. Our neighbor rented some monstrous truck with a sharp-pitched beep when it backs up (what they’re using it for, I have no idea). The guy was backing it up all over the neighborhood for 15 minutes (which is an eternity during nap time). I tell ya, if I had a sniper rifle, that truck’s tires would be gone. Or worse.

    • A back-up-beeping truck? No. I’m filled with rage on your behalf. I totally understand how 15 minutes can feel like infinity when you are on-edge and filling with Hulk-rage because some noisy dupe chose nap time to start their chainsaw bear-carving project. I feel your pain.

      Get those tires! Perhaps wait until the car is parked…if you can. ;)

  4. I’m glad my children are a little older now (5 and 6)… I no longer have to worry about someone waking them up from their naps. However — now it’s me who is woken up every morning as they crash into my room with breaking news or something actually having broken.

  5. This is very funny – love it. I love that you were a “Madam”and a “law expert” too-I have no doubt that you were teased about that ;). However a mother protecting her child from anything is a MAJOR force to be reckoned with.#nomessin’.
    23 Days to go!

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